Malum
by FFYP-det-Yagami
Summary: It couldn't be done. It shouldn't be done. It probably wouldn't be done, but unfortunately I was here. All I ask is this: what is the scariest thing you can think of? A cautionary tale starring Ryuk, spreadable marshmallow fluff, and space aliens.


_It's time for spookiness. Halloween is here again._

_I had to write a fanfic._

_And, thankfully, I happened to have a good idea for one…_

_Well, not exclusively. Absolutely massive thanks goes to WithABunny, who not only gave me the inspiration for the subject matter, but also wrote the hilarious ficlet 'Caution', by which the bar for this fic is set._

_Before you begin reading this, please keep one question in your mind:_

_What is the scariest thing you can think of?_

_DISCLAIMER: Death Note isn't mine. However, it is an interesting devise to use when demonstrating a point…_

_Oh, and neither is Bleach or Onepiece. Yes, it's going to be one of THOSE fics._

--

**Malum**

"Hyuk hyuk hyuk…"

A black, spindly hand clicked a few more keys.

"…hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk…"

Globular red eyes burned through the darkness, focussing squarely on a flickering screen.

"…hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk hyuk…"

Serrated teeth, held in an eternal grin, bit through shining red skin and into the juicy white flesh beneath.

"…hyuk hyuk hyuk…"

Ryuk swallowed chunk of apple, and devoured the rest in one mouthful. His fingers tapped the keyboard again.

Before his eyes, there were stories.

For the first time in history, a Shinigami had discovered the wonders of fanfiction.

Of course, he wasn't interested in all of it. Other than Onepiece (which was, in his opinion, the funniest anime EVER: all those gangly people with their boggly eyes and rubbery lips…), his main interest was, understandably, Death Note.

He was spoiled for choice.

Hundreds… thousands of them were laid before him.

But Ryuk wasn't too worried about that.

He knew exactly what he was looking for.

Improbable pairings. Ridiculous plotlines. Terrible spelling and grammar. The very dregs of .

The kind of fanfic that could actually make you physically sick.

The kind of fanfic that could cripple a series.

"Shinigami could never do that much damage," he smirked to himself, as he finished a particularly terrible yet perfect example. "Humans really are interesting!"

Hitting the 'Submit Reply' button, Ryuk flexed his fingers. After a few furious seconds of typing, his message was complete. It read, quite simply:

'LOL THA WAS GRAET I 1T U 2 PSOT MOAR AN MORA ROOLFMA ASWOMEE I LYK DEAH NOT IT GOOOOD!!!!!111112 8D'

That, he thought, was quite satisfactory.

"Hyuk hyuk."

Besides eating apples, this could quickly become his favourite pastime. There were so many writing weaknesses he could exploit... All the stupid ideas these people came up with. All these things that could never happen, even in an alternate universe…

His train of thought was interrupted by a figure standing in the doorframe. "Oh, _Ryu-uk_," the voice called seductively. "Why don't you stop looking at that screen and come to bed?"

"Is that you, Light?"

The figure stepped into the room, and flicked on the light.

"No, babe-honey… Light's too busy over at Near's penthouse," said Matsuda, licking his lips. "So I've got you _all_ to myself."

The Shinigami was dumbstruck with confusion and desire. "But, but, lover… I thought you were staying with Soichiro tonight."

"I couldn't leave the father of my unborn child all alone, could I?" He patted the baby bump under his suit demonstratively, and smiled with maternal warmth. "Anyway, Soichiro had to go out to battle some invading space aliens who kidnapped L."

"I suppose that makes sense," Ryuk nodded. "I guess I can't complain anyway, seeing as I get to spend even more time with my favourite baby-daddy…"

"So, are you coming to bed? I invited the entire cast of Bleach over, and Chad brought that spreadable marshmallow fluff you like…"

Ryuk looked sad. "You couldn't get Onepiece?"

Matsuda shrugged.

The pair nodded simultaneously. "Space aliens."

--

**Author's Note:** _Oh yes. The scariest thing by far._

_In an uncharacteristically confident sweep of emotion, I feel the need to send out a warning along with this fic –_

_To all you trolls out there. To all those people who think it's funny to completely ruin a perfectly good story. To anyone who can only find enjoyment in poking fun at a fandom and sticking characters in terrible situations._

_It isn't funny. It's stupid, and insulting to both your readers and yourself. If you don't have a good idea, it isn't the world's problem, so don't pollute a perfectly good site._

_Ahem._

_I'm not trying to put myself on a higher moral ground than anyone else. It's just the fact that it personally pisses me off. And yes, yes, yes, I'm terribly aware of the irony of my words._

_Anyone want to rant at me? Anyone agree with me? Leave your message after the tone._

_Sayonara…_


End file.
